The Drunkard and the Feline
by Detouredbe
Summary: To rodents, Felicia is a dangerous, flesh-eating beast. To humans, she's just a remarkably fat cat. To a drunk human, however, she might be whatever an alcohol-influenced mind can conceive! That's sure to get on Ratigan's nerves. Pre-movie oneshot.


**I'll have to get the locks on the windows in my mind examined, because random ideas are coming in like no tomorrow! This one puts a little focus on Felicia, for a change (I'm a bit perturbed that Felicia and Toby aren't listed as character options when publishing under the GMD category). It takes place two or three years before the movie, to be sure.**

"What shall we do with'im, Professor?" Bill asks, staring up at the intoxicated human who has somehow wound up in the sewer, right near Ratigan's home, and passed out on the floor.

Nearly all of the thugs are present, a few whispering to each other, all wondering the same thing. Ratigan takes a drag from his cigarette without answering immediately, strides around the man while inspecting him, and comes round again. "In my opinion," he drawls, "our best manouver would be to-"

He is cut off as the man groans, waking up, and begins to rise. The thugs all yelp and scatter for cover. Ratigan goes wide-eyed, for he has plenty of good reason to be wary of humans too, and swishes around, cantering over into his ballroom. In his haste his bell falls out of his lapel and hits the ground, ringing upon impact. Frightened rodent faces are peeping out from every nook and cranny, and murmurs such as "Oh no, as if we didn't have enough trouble!", and "Now _she'll_ be coming over here too!" can be heard.

As expected, a lazy meow echoes through the corridors, and moments later the mammoth feline Felicia pads her way over to see what (or whom) Ratigan has for her this time.

"Ugghh," the drunkard sits up, slanting to the left and supporting himself with his hand, "cor, blimey, but it got dark all of a sudden!" he slurs.

"Morrow?" Felicia looks curiously at this intruder. What was her owner thinking? She can't eat a human!

"Eh, what's this?" the man says in an off-key squeak, "well bless me! Why it's an ol' moggy!" He then reaches up and, before Felicia has a chance to get away, he sloppily grabs her plump, furry cheeks and wiggles them, muttering a half-incoherent, "Meow-meow-meow-meow-meow, little moggy! Meow-meow-meow-meow-meow!" He then trails off into uncontrolled fits of laughter, hugging the cat and slapping her back.

All this time Ratigan has been peering out from the safety of his ballroom, but seeing Felicia's looking very disturbed and beginning to whimper, he comes out, speaking to the man sharply, "I beg your pardon, most unwelcome intruder, but that 'ol'moggy', as you so barbarically articulated, happens to be my pet!"

The man does not so much as give the rat professor a glance, and likely did not even hear him. He drunkenly decides he'll need something warm to take with him, and since there seems to be plenty of this cat, he declares that she'll make a perfect blanket to tote around, and picks her up in an slaphazardly style. Felicia, needless to say, does not like where this is going, and tries to scratch her way out of it, yowling all the while.

"Ohohoho, we's a feisty little blanket, aren't we now?" the man chortles. "Lotta weight here too! Perhaps you're a right panther after all!"

Amid all this, the thugs gradually creep out of their hiding places, now pumping their fists in the air, smiling and chanting in sync, "Take her! Take her! Take her! Take her!"

An already mortified Ratigan glares menacingly at them, which checks their behaviour and makes them back up nervously. He then calls out, "Felicia! My little honey-bun! Daddy's coming!"

The rat charges after his human adversary, yelling at him to stop and return his cat in words too educated and plentiful for even the finest scholars in English to understand, let alone a pie-eyed old bum.

When their boss is safely out of ear's reach, the thugs all turn to one another, almost hysterical with glee. "No more Felicia! Let's all get to the Rat Trap and celebrate!"

**The end.**

**AN: I'll leave it open to interpretation how Ratigan gets Felicia back, I think that plays this idea out better. In case anyone guessed, I did sort of have a human counterpart to Bartholomew in mind when I thought of that boozed up human. If only poor Bartholomew could've be in that man's situation, relative to Felicia, in the film! ****L**


End file.
